


make the quiet go away

by fromthefarshore



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexuality, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 02:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13113705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefarshore/pseuds/fromthefarshore
Summary: Kuroo knows that he can’t give Bokuto the attention - and not only attention - that he needs.





	make the quiet go away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [57cats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/57cats/gifts).



> I lost a bet and this is the result  
> aka my friend's request to write bokuro angst with a happy/ish ending  
> I tried to look at the chars in slightly different light this time, I hope you will enjoy it!

When the shirt slips down Bokuto’s shoulders, he lets out a relieved hum as if the thin fabric was weighing him down. Kuroo bites his lip at this, pressing their bodies together, letting his fingers caress the soft, hot skin that has just been revealed.

Bokuto touches Kuroo’s arms, travelling up and up, and up to his neck and to his face, his eyes full of desire as he leans forward, teasingly brushing his lips against Kuroo’s before kissing him and pulling him even closer. Kuroo closes his eyes.

He wishes it stopped at the kiss.

-

The tiny, nearly invisible snowflakes are slowly dancing in the sky. The ones that don’t melt before reaching the earth dust Kuroo’s dark hair, but they disappear right away in the greyness atop Bokuto’s head. It’s calm and silent, a bit too much so as Bokuto is not talking.

The view ahead is blurry, and despite himself, Kuroo starts thinking that it’s same as their future. He keeps his hands shoved deep in his pockets to stop himself from taking Bokuto’s hand, from making things more difficult than they already are.

He sees it coming.

Kuroo knows Bokuto far too well not to notice the slump in his shoulders, the heavy, shaky breaths that he takes from time to time, readying himself for something, but always falling a little bit short of courage. Kuroo could stop it maybe, change the course they’re taking, but instead, he waits.

The dusk is already beginning to fall around them when Bokuto slows down, taking another deep breath. Kuroo looks at him, at his furrowed eyebrows, at his eyes that are not meeting his, at his tightly pressed lips. And then, it comes.

“I think we should end this,” Bokuto says, for once his voice small and quiet. Probably Bokuto doesn’t really want to end this, at least not from his side, but Kuroo knows the problem, he knows that he can’t give Bokuto the attention - and not only attention - that he needs. He likes Bokuto, he likes him very much, but where Bokuto wants to take a step forward, Kuroo wants to take a step back into the well known familiarity without any stress, without forcing himself to do something more than he’s comfortable with.

Kuroo takes a deep breath.

“Alright,” he says.

“Alright?” Bokuto’s eyes jump to him and suddenly, there’s hurt on his face. “That’s all you’ve got to say?”

Kuroo bites his lip to stop the tears trying to well in his eyes, and he shrugs away the words he’s not ready to voice out, maybe not yet, maybe not ever. It seems like his heart starts trembling, finally catching on to what’s happening and trying to protest, bringing back all the fond memories, all the emotions and feelings Kuroo has for Bokuto. Kuroo sniffs, blaming it on the cold weather.

“What do you want me to say?” he asks, but he doesn’t want the reply, doesn’t want the fight and more pain on both sides. “I’m not stupid, I see that it’s not working out,” he adds. “We… expect different things from all this, I guess.”

Bokuto’s hands clench into fists, angry red of the cold bite painting his skin as he has kept his hands out of the pockets, maybe, probably, hoping for Kuroo to offer his warmth. Kuroo squeezes the gloves in his pockets; there’s a little tremble to his fingers.

“You _guess_ ,” Bokuto mutters like the word has offended him. “Maybe if you ever voiced out what you want-”

“Please don’t, Kou.”                         

It’s barely a whisper, but it makes Bokuto shut up, for a little while only, though, just enough time for his eyes to get red and full of tears, for the last of his hope to crumble as he can’t break the mask Kuroo’s wearing. Just enough time for Kuroo to regret ever falling in love with Bokuto if that’s how it has to end.

Bokuto lingers a bit longer, not really wanting to leave, but not finding a reason to stay either. Finally, he sighs, and his shoulders drop in defeat.

“I’m going home,” he says, and all Kuroo offers in response is a nod.

He doesn’t look at Bokuto’s back when he walks away. Kuroo looks ahead instead, at the grey blur that seems to eat up everything around.

Kuroo takes a shaky breath and he starts walking.

He’s always hated the silence.

-

The silence never leaves, even when Kuroo is surrounded by other people. It’s a different kind of noise, it’s not _Bokuto_ , and somehow, it’s just making it even worse.

He tells himself, it’s going to be okay, he just needs a few days to pass and let him fall back into old habits of being alone. The days, however, are getting only longer and longer, and the mutual friends of his and Bokuto’s asking what has happened does not help.

 _Nothing_ , is what Kuroo says back. It’s not true, he knows is. He also knows that Bokuto’s answer of not understanding Kuroo anymore and feeling like Kuroo has fallen out of love with him is not fully true either, even though it might seem so to Bokuto himself.

Kuroo loves him. He loves Bokuto more than anything in this world, but sadly, their loves are different, they don’t fit together, and while Kuroo has tried to live up to Bokuto, he’s just started to hate himself as a result.

The problem is, Bokuto wants - _needs_ \- sex, but to Kuroo it’s only a mechanical, forceful thing he’s tried to do for Bokuto, tried to pretend to enjoy it while deep inside just the idea of it was making him sick. And yet, he could not make himself say it to Bokuto.

He wanted to like it, he wanted to feel the same as Bokuto did, his eyes closed shut, a lazy, satisfied smile on his face as he wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s naked body, repeating again and again how much he loved him, how perfect it was.

Except the made up perfection couldn’t last long. Kuroo has started putting off having sex with Bokuto, finding dozens of reasons to do so until he couldn’t back away anymore or he felt like that time, it wouldn’t be so bad. It was just a matter of time when Bokuto would catch on it, would make wrong assumptions and bring it up. Kuroo was prepared for it, ready to let go of Bokuto _for the better_ , ready to face the consequences of it all.

He’s just hoped it’d hurt less.

-

When Kuroo opens the door, his eyes are still puffy after another sleepless night with tears eventually appearing from too many thoughts of Bokuto. Akaashi is looking at him from the other side of the doorstep, and without hesitation, he invites himself inside.

He looks tired, perhaps running on coffee only since the morning, and Kuroo wonders just how much of the energy it’s taking for Akaashi to deal with Bokuto now.

“I brought something to eat,” Akaashi says, making his way to the little table in the middle of the room. “I suppose you didn’t have any meal yet.”

“I’m fine,” Kuroo says, trying to hold the glare Akaashi gives him. “I simply didn’t sleep well tonight.”

“Tonight,” Akaashi repeats in a mutter, as always seeing more to the picture. He sits down on the floor and takes out two bento boxes from the plastic bag. “Come eat.”

Kuroo waits for a few moments, but eventually sits down, starting to nibble on the food. He knows it’s ridiculous to argue with Akaashi, there are just a couple too many strong qualities the other has polished over the years of being Bokuto’s closest friend.

Kuroo has been thinking about it a lot; going to the same university as Kuroo, Akaashi was the first link between him and Bokuto. It’d be hard to cut off ties with him as well.

“Bokuto is imagining things,” Akaashi says after putting down his chopsticks. “He’s convinced you don’t love him anymore.”

Kuroo’s meal is still only halfway eaten, but he doesn’t think he’ll manage another bite.

“Is he... alright?” he asks, trying to put the leftover rice into a neat pile one by one.

“No,” Akaashi says, “but I’m not sure which one of you has it worse. He doesn’t bottle up his feelings, at least.”

Kuroo stays silent. His hand holding the chopsticks is beginning to tremble, so he puts them away. Akaashi doesn’t comment on it, but Kuroo knows he’s noticed.

“Please take care of Kou.”

“What happened?” Akaashi asks, as if he didn’t hear Kuroo’s request. “Bokuto still loves you and you obviously love him back. I heard Bokuto’s side of the story, but it doesn’t make sense. Bokuto-” Akaashi takes a deep breath and Kuroo sees his fingers stiffen on the desk. “He said you don’t enjoy the sex with him anymore. You don’t strike me as a guy to end up a relationship over something that could be changed if only you-”

“It’s not _anymore_ ,” Kuroo mutters, lifting his eyes to look at Akaashi. The tears are starting to well in his eyes again, but Kuroo doesn’t fight them back. “I just _don’t_ ,” he says in a whisper, lowering his head. He doesn’t know why he’s telling Akaashi this. Maybe because Akaashi is right, he’s been bottling up his feelings for too long, and maybe because Kuroo is sure Akaashi will never tell anyone else. He takes a deep, shaky breath, and adds, “not with Bokuto and not with anyone else.”

He feels Akaashi’s eyes on himself and the dead silence engulfs Kuroo again.

It doesn’t have time to fully isolate Kuroo from the outer world, though, as Akaashi reaches out to touch Kuroo’s arm, and he says,

“You have to talk to Bokuto.”

-

Kuroo’s attempts to convince Akaashi that nothing good will come out of talking to Bokuto as he won’t understand this anyway, does not work. Akaashi says that Bokuto at least deserves an explanation, but Kuroo is scared for Bokuto’s reaction, whatever it would be. Used to dealing with all the problems inside of himself, Kuroo doesn’t even know how he would have to bring it up.

Akaashi tries to reason, saying that they can find a middle ground, a way around this, but there isn’t a way, not a good one. Whatever they do, sooner or later it’s going to hurt them, to cause tension. Kuroo has spent long hours of the night playing all the scenarios out in his head, but he couldn’t find an answer, not when the thing in question is vital to Bokuto yet deadly to Kuroo. As much as it sounds dramatic, that’s the whole idea. He can’t take away the physical satisfaction Bokuto craves for, and he can’t make himself endure it for Bokuto’s sake - he’s tried, it _doesn’t_ work.

It makes the image of Bokuto stay in Kuroo’s mind, however, even more than before, and the soft side of Kuroo, his aching heart, longing for Bokuto’s voice, his smell, his touch, slowly starts giving into the idea of seeing him again. At least, he hopes, Bokuto would feel better knowing it wasn’t his fault.

-

The strong, cold wind blowing into Kuroo’s face seems to try its best to stop him, giving him a warning that he shouldn’t go to Bokuto’s place, that he should go the opposite way, away, away from what will cause his heart to ache even more than it already does. Kuroo is both grateful for and hates the tiny glimmering of some sort of hope somewhere inside him, whispering to him that it’s going to be alright, it’s going to ease, to soothe his wounded self, and that the fierce wind is just a step he has to take to reach his goal.

Kuroo sighs; it’s discouraging to reach for a tad bit too unrealistic goal, but he tries not to think too much of it.

When he looks up to Bokuto’s window, he’s greeted with darkness. Bokuto’s usually already home at such hour, but maybe he’s stopped by a shop or went for dinner with someone. The idea sends a wave of discomfort through Kuroo, but he’s in no place to do anything about it, not anymore.

The keys to Bokuto’s apartment jingle in Kuroo’s pocket when he fishes them out, opening the front door and letting himself inside the building. He doesn’t dare to open the door to Bokuto’s apartment - a little deed he’s used to do often now seems alien, _improper_. And so he waits.

He’s not entirely sure when Bokuto shows up; the flow of time gets altered in the mind when it’s working faulty. Bokuto looks unwell. His hair is not styled, the healthy glistening to his skin is long gone and his eyes, despite looking somewhat more clear, are framed with dark bags.

It doesn’t take long for Bokuto to notice Kuroo, but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even ask if Kuroo is here to give back the keys. At this thought, Kuroo clenches the keys harder in his palm. He clears his throat before Bokuto can lock himself in.

“I want to explain,” he says, his voice sounding weaker than he’s hoped, but maybe it’s that same weakness which makes Bokuto still and look at Kuroo.

He stays silent for a few moments, biting his lip as if wanting to say something, but eventually letting out only a deep sigh before stepping into the apartment. He leaves the door open and a quiet “I’m back”, directed at no one, reaches Kuroo’s ears.

Instead of saying the same phrase he’s so used to, Kuroo settles down with an alien “Sorry for the intrusion” when he closes the door behind himself. The perfectly familiar apartment filled with the memories and the smell of Bokuto is much like the salt to the wound that’s opened inside Kuroo. He takes his time shrugging off his coat and slipping out of his shoes before carefully walking into the room where Bokuto’s already sitting under _kotatsu_ , his head resting on the table. Kuroo sits down in front of him, a little shiver going down his body at the mix of cold room temperature and warmth coming from under the table. He clears his throat.

“I did not wish for this,” he says. Bokuto shifts his eyes to look at Kuroo, his face sad, hurt.

“ _Alright_ ,” he mutters, the word cutting through Kuroo. He grabs the edge of _kotatsu_ blanket, just to have something to do with his hands. It calms him down a little bit.

“I mean us, but I also mean myself,” Kuroo continues after a few moments pass, despite wanting more and more to get up and flee, “I shouldn’t have kept it away from you.”

It picks Bokuto’s interest and he lifts his head, straightening up and facing Kuroo.

“What are you talking about?”

There’s caution in his whole body, his tensed shoulders and clenched jaw, his fingers, much like Kuroo’s, trying to hold onto something. Kuroo feels the lump beginning to form in his throat.

“I love you, Kou,” he says, putting his all into these few simple words, “I always have and I will, I want to, but my body-” he pauses, not sure how and _if_ to continue. It seems impossible to put it into words, to make Bokuto really understand and not get hurt over this, to fix things up.

“What- what’s with your body?” Bokuto asks, his eyes widening in some sort of worry. He’s wonderful like this; wonderful in the simplest ways of how he can’t keep his feelings hidden, how he cares for others, how he is so alive, so _raw_ , so much of everything Kuroo’s ever wanted at once. Too much maybe.

“It doesn’t work the same way as yours.” Kuroo sniffs as the emotions are starting to overfill him, as he wishes he never had to explain it all in the first place. He rubs his face, his eyes, trying to hide away, just a little bit, from himself or maybe, from the world full of some sort of injustice. He tries to look back at Bokuto then, to focus on him only, and slowly, the words start flowing again, “I- I like touching you and cuddling, and kissing, but I- I can’t go further,” he takes a deep breath to gather himself, but his voice drops down to nearly a whisper, “My body doesn’t feel satisfaction from sex, I _never_ want it. In general, not only now.”

It’s quiet for a few moments, or maybe a few minutes, it’s hard to tell, as Bokuto simply looks at Kuroo, as if trying to understand he’s not imagining. Finally, he speaks up.

“So this is why- this is why you thought breaking up is for the better?”

Kuroo nods. He hears himself swallow and his heartbeat is getting faster. The world freezes up, the sound of the wind fighting the windows from outside dies out, and it’s silent, it’s all grey and blurry again.

And then, Bokuto lets out a sigh, heavy and _relieved_.

“You could have just told me sooner and we wouldn’t even be here,” he says. His eyes are lighting up finally, a tiny beam starting to dance on his lips. Kuroo’s missed this and he wants to get up, walk around and embrace Bokuto, hold him close and tight and never let go. Yet, his body tenses up because Bokuto doesn’t think further, doesn’t realise what exactly they’re talking about, and Kuroo hates being the one to break the illusions apart.

“Kou, it’s not that easy. I don’t feel physical pleasure from it like you do. I don’t need it, and I don’t want it. But you do.”

“I do,” Bokuto says, more to himself than to Kuroo. “But sex is not only about physical pleasure,” he adds, furrowing his eyebrows as he tries to understand the situation, “it brings connection and, well, unity to relationship? You… you don’t enjoy it at all?”

Kuroo bites on his lip, hesitant to reply. He sees where Bokuto is coming from with his sexual desire, but he doesn’t want to give him hopes that it could be freely expressed in their relationship.

“No,” he sighs and gives Bokuto a little shrug, “I’m-” the different words fly through his mind, but in the end, he sticks with the one leaving no space for misunderstandings, even though just saying it brings him heartache, “I’m repulsed by it. That’s why I- I can’t see it working out because there will _always_ be unresolved needs. I thought of it, Kou, I even considered you doing it,” his voice breaks, betraying him, and Kuroo lowers his eyes, not able to face Bokuto, “with someone else, when you really needed it, but-”

“Absolutely not,” Bokuto interrupts, tilting his head to try and catch Kuroo’s glance. “I would never.”

Kuroo lets himself smile a little at this.

“Yeah, I figured. I wouldn’t like it as well.” He takes a deep breath, readying himself for the question he was meaning to ask since the beginning. “So you see, it all comes down to two questions. Would I be willing to fulfil your sexual needs? Which I thought I would, but practice says I couldn’t, so the answer is, no, not really. And then, would you be happy in sexless relationship?”

He sees the answer in Bokuto’s eyes, his face and his body. There’s a little grunt coming up his throat as he is desperately trying to word his reply in his head before speaking.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo says before Bokuto can open his mouth. “I already know the answer-”

“Don’t be sorry,” Bokuto interrupts, “it’s not your fault. It’s same as you preferring fish and me liking meat, it’s not like either of us has decided so on purpose.” There’s a small smile on Bokuto’s face and he reaches out with his hand, waiting for Kuroo’s reaction.

Kuroo meets him halfway, entwining his fingers with Bokuto’s and leaning closer, a mirror reflection of Bokuto’s action.

“I will be happy in a relationship with _you_. We can make it work, alright?” Bokuto says, looking Kuroo into the eyes. The golden orbs are reassuring, full of confidence, even when Bokuto adds, in slightly wavering voice, “I don’t really know how exactly yet, but we can. Maybe I can live without it.”

Kuroo lets out a little laugh. He’s not sure now why he never voiced all this out before.

“You can’t. Even now, you’d want a we-made-up-sex.”

Bokuto snorts.

“Guilty as charged, but I can live without this, at least. And well, it’s not all about sex only, yeah? It’s not like I won’t get any physical stuff cause we can still kiss and all, and if I _really_ need it, there’s always good old jerking off.”

It’s amazing, how easily Bokuto makes Kuroo laugh, how easily he seems to fix things up, even though Kuroo knows it won’t always be that easy in the future. He doesn’t let himself dwell on it, though, not now and not by himself only.

“ _Maybe_ on some good days I could, you know, do it, but I can’t promise,” he says. Bokuto lets out a hum, tightening the hold of Kuroo’s hand.

“We’ll see when we get there,” he says. “Just- voice it out, okay? Whatever you want or what you don’t. I’m not the smartest guy when it comes to this, so I can’t always tell.” Bokuto’s voice is smaller, softer now, and it tugs just right at Kuroo’s feelings.

“I will,” he promises. He takes a deep breath, then gets up, just to move around the table and wind his arms around Bokuto. “I missed you so much.”

Bokuto laughs into his neck, warm and ticklish, and he pulls Kuroo closer to himself.

“Me too,” he confesses, the words holding so much more than just a simple confirmation, “So,” he adds, “we’re good?”

Kuroo breathes in the smell of Bokuto, familiar and calming, and even without seeing he can tell the look in his eyes - soft, gleaming, warm - all directed at Kuroo, all directed at them together. Despite not knowing what awaits them, despite knowing it will be difficult at times, it might hurt them, Kuroo feels safe in Bokuto’s arms. He should have brought his feelings earlier, he shouldn’t have bottled it all up until it was about to break him, both of them.

There’s the sound of Bokuto’s heartbeat, the sound of his breathing, all mixing with Kuroo’s, and soon the sound of his voice will add up as well. It’s not quiet anymore, it’s not empty, and the dark blur that has been surrounding Kuroo for a long time is finally clearing up.

It’s gold and yellow, and orange of Bokuto’s eyes, soft pink of his skin, bright mix of the various colours of his hoodie, and when Kuroo pulls just a bit back to look at him, he thinks, Bokuto’s right.

“Yeah,” he says with a nod, “we’re good.”

  
  
  
  



End file.
